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Fuck Marry Kill: Ninja Turtles 2nd Edition

Leo, Raph, Splinter

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Splooge

That’s right everybody, it’s the 2nd installment of Ninja Turtles Fuck Marry Kill. Did you know that every splooge holds a secret? Neither did I until I wrote the title. I mean, I guess the secret is which parts of your DNA are gonna get passed on, but really that’s more of a surprise than a secret.

I don’t know if you know this about me (Kyle. This is Kyle typing), but I love the Turtles. So does Mark, but we’re not talking about him. I also used to work at a counselor at a day camp. So one time, my campers were talking about Ninja Turtles and I tried to join in the conversation and I told them that I also loved the Turtles. They didn’t believe me, so I figured I would just sing the theme song and that would prove that I like the show. Except I didn’t realize that the new show had a completely different theme song. So to them, it looked like I just made up a song about turtles. It was a weird day.

And now we get to talk about which Turtle I’d fuck, so this is going to be an even weirder day. Thank goodness I don’t still work at a day camp.

Here are you choices for the week:

The Guy Who Got the Worst Life Downgrade Ever: Master Splinter (also, side note: this origin makes zero sense. Splinter touched the turtles, he should have turned into a turtle and not a rat. Oh wait… I guess he probably had to touch the mutagen to get to the turtles. So maybe rats really were the last animal he touched before coming in contact with the mutagen. Look, I’m not going to say I’m the authority on these things. I will say though, that this seems like lazy writing and they could have been way clearer about the whole thing.)

The One Who Just Learned What Cricket Is: Raphael

Mark’s Best Friend (because he clearly pees his pants): Leonardo

And that’s that. So where do you fall on this spectrum? At some point you need to decide between fucking a rat and fucking a turtle. Bet that’s not how you expected your Friday to play out.

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